Growing pains

Growing pains are painful. Just as I had not planned on getting cancer or stepping back from the work that I loved, I really had not planned on feeling turned inside out or being forced to rethink my values, identity and time. While I am grateful for the bonus time I have been given to reflect, time to reflect has inevitably resulted in my concluding that the best me - not the person that I am most comfortable being or think I should be - undoubtedly looks very different from the me that I know so well. I want to grow and change but this will require surrendering in every which direction. It feels liberating at times and almost always terribly difficult. It requires a lot of prayer and contemplative practice. It is a painful and scary and I am not very good at surrendering at all. It requires a gradual chipping away of some of the traits I am personally very fond of and would prefer to keep if I could! However, only by surrendering can I find true clarity and peace.

Examples of these growing pains are His wanting to move me from being Type A/driven to being surrendered and led; from demanding efficiency to being willing to sit in peace with the ambiguity of my circumstances; from making impulsive decisions to a more prayer-filled, God-directed choices; from drawing my focus away from completing tasks and more toward people; from heavy-hearted duty to light-hearted joy in service; from self-doubt to total sufficiency as His child. As His child, I am enough. I have enough.

My prayer is that if there is any redemption in this suffering, which I believe there is, may I be continuously shaped and molded by the One who created me into the vessel that I was intended to become. He promises the growing pains will be worth it and I trust Him.