Just Breathe....

There is a new pattern to my life now. Scans are taken four times a year to see if there are any signs of metastasis or new cancer. Every three months, like clockwork, I sign myself into the Radiology department at the Cancer center for an updated CT scan of the chest and MRI scan of the brain. I try to distract my attention from the clicks, loud buzzes and hammering of the claustrophobic MRI machine by singing tunes in my head to go along with the percussive racket. By comparison, the CT procedure that follows afterward is a piece of cake. The CT machine feels roomier, the atmosphere is more relaxed and I get to keep my street clothes on. No one seems concerned about metal clips or hardware buried in my body somewhere that might go flying across the room.

I also appreciate that the CT machine gives simple, clear commands that are important. Periodically, a deep voice will say, "Take a deep breath," and then a few seconds later, "BREATHE" in a expansive tone so that you know to exhale and do just that. Unlike the other days in my life, I cannot avoid facing the reality of having advanced lung cancer on my "scan" days. I feel small and vulnerable when getting scanned by these sophisticated machines. On those days, sometimes I forget to breathe.

Last week it was time to have my scans done. My husband and I met with my oncologist afterward who beamed as she showed me the pictures which showed beautiful clear lungs and a healthy brain. What wonderful news! Over the past three months, my meds have been effective in keeping the cancer at bay and in fact they have been effective now for the past six months. All three of us in the room were grinning at each other. My husband and I practically floated out of the room and my oncologist, who is normally very reserved, was smiling like a cat that ate a canary.

Barbara Brown Taylor, in An Altar In the World, talks about how our bodies remain God's best way of getting to us and that deep suffering makes theologians of us all. Suffering often causes us to ponder important spiritual questions. When there is a lack of suffering, its easy to delude ourselves into thinking that we have some control over our own destiny and there is a comfortable denial.

Four times a year - same routine, same machines, serve as a regular reminder that I have met the enemy and it lurks within me, is part of me, and will some day reappear. I remind myself that its ok, that its going to be ok, to just..breathe...